TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of area. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But yes, certain, let's have A different position in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Every person a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he need to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You understand, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which company could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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